Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 9
99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182
Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy
Andy…..Jamie Foxx
Employee 1…..Horatio Sanz
Employee 2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Andy: Hey, weren’t we supposed to have a company meeting about that uh….. brand new programming system?
Employee #1: Yeah, I think they’re sending the computer guy, Nick Burns, over to answer any questions.
Employee #2: I don’t like that guy.
Andy: It must be about the upgrade to the server.
Employee #1: Hey, do they have to upgrade because of Y2K?
[ Nick Enters ]
Nick Burns: Considering we work with Macintosh and they’ve always been Y2K compatible, I’d say NO.
Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”
Nick Burns: Over the holidays, we upgraded to the latest version of Microsoft Outlook and changed the server login ID.
Andy: So what’s the new login ID?
Nick Burns: Bradford Company slash your last name dot your first name.
Employee #2: Is there a space after Bradford?
Nick Burns: If you want it not to work, yeah. But if you want it to work smoothly, don’t use the space.
Employee #1: Hey, Nick.
Nick Burns: NO, its not case sensitive.
Employee #2: Yeah, I’m still having a little problem.
Nick Burns: Yeah, I’m having three problems. [ acknowledges the room ] What is it?
Employee #2: I just can’t find my personal address book.
Nick Burns: Did you import it from the Outlook program?
Employee #2: I think I downloaded it.
Nick Burns: You downloaded it? Well, that’s amazing considering it’s impossible. You have to import it.
Employee #2: Import through my folder…?
Nick Burns: MOVE! [ sits down ] I’m gonna teach you a lesson here. First, you open up the folder file import in the downlock box. Open Outlook 6.0 folder, find address file, and click import. Was that so hard?
Employee #2: Yeah, actually it was.
Nick Burns: They teach this kind of stuff on “Blue’s Clues”. Who’s next?
Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Happy New Year, buddy.
Employee #2: Yeah, right, maybe for you. I’m still teaching computers to dimwits!
Employee #1: I have two questions.
Nick Burns: Lemme guess, what color are your shoes, and when’s lunch?
Employee #1: C’mon, man. Look, I need to know if the new login changes my e-mail address.
Nick Burns: Of course it doesn’t, what else?
Employee #1: I can’t find my calendars.
Nick Burns: Well, genius, your hard drive doesn’t have an infinite amount of space. I had to delete that stuff to install the upgrade.
Employee #1: Is it in my view folder?
Nick Burns: [ laughs ] There’s no such thing as a view folder. LOL, semicolon, parentheses. MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, was that so hard? [ to Andy ] What’s your problem?
Andy: I just needed the logon ID.
Nick Burns: It’s like I said, Bradford Company-
Andy: I know, Bradford Company slash first name dot slash last name. I got it.
Nick Burns: You know everything. What else, what else is your problem? I don’t wanna come back here.
Andy: I figured it out already.
Nick Burns: [ curious ] Oh, really. Did you recover your bookmarks?
Andy: I imported them with my address book.
Nick Burns: What about your plugins?
Andy: Already installed them.
Nick Burns: I hope you didn’t clog up your memory doing it.
Andy: Oh, don’t worry about it, I didn’t!
Employee #2: Hey, Nick? I can’t print. What happened to my print thing?
Nick Burns: Here we go. Geez Louise.
Andy: Just hit Apple P, and it will print.
Employee #2: [ tries it ] Oh, wow, thanks Andy.
[ Andy makes a victory move ]
Nick Burns: Yeah, yeah, you could do it that way, or you could go to the print icon that’s on the left side of the screen.
Employee #2: No. This is faster. Thanks, Andy.
Nick Burns: OK, I’m gonna go. One last question, Andy. [ theme from “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” plays ] Did you configure a rampartition for the new version of Outlook?
Andy: I didn’t think it was necessary.
Nick Burns: Well, if you wanna use your plug-ins, yes, it is. Do you know how to do it?
Andy: Yes, first, I click on the application to highlight.
Nick Burns: Then what?
Andy: Then I go to new file menu.
Nick Burns: Lucky guess.. then what?
Andy: And then I- I ah…..I-I think I ah….
Nick Burns: [ hovers ] You don’t know what to do, do you? You need old Nick’s help.
Andy: No, no, no, I can figure it out I think I just need to, uh…
Nick Burns: Well?, well? MOVE! [ taps a few keys ] There you go, its not so easy, is it, partner? [ returns Andy’s victory move ] I’m gonna go down to the third floor. Gotta teach those buffoons the new program, I’m outta here. Oh, by the way, you’re welcome.
Theme Song: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your company’s computer guy.”
Submitted by: Ben Brophy
SNL Transcripts
Author: Don Roy King
Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.View all posts by Don Roy King
